So, yesterday I came home from another long day at work ( a mix of slinging records and editing in between) to find a few school notes and a “Little Poms” t-shirt on our kitchen counter.
Little poms…..Little Poms? OH YEAH, Betty wanted to do Little Poms this year. Why are they giving her the t-shirt now? I thought to myself. That shizz don’t kick off until March.
Um…think again, unorganized Mama.
The performance is Thursday. As in TOMORROW. And guess who missed the rehearsal? This girl right here. So, my little innocent red head who so badly wants to pom it up was going to be woefully unprepared for her performance this week because I’m a moron and couldn’t write down one simple schedule.
Thank God for You Tube. We You Tubed the dance and Betty and I “pom’d” it up in front of the TV for a good 45 minutes last night. I think I jammed my toe trying to demonstrate a proper cheerleading jump.
I think my ego and my heart were bruised more.
I felt like a terrible mom. Because of our schedules it’s not like my kids get to participate in a litany of after-school activities. Little Poms was pretty much the one thing Betty specifically asked to do this year.
And I nearly completely screwed that up.
My kids spend most of their time at school/daycare or with their grandparents. Such is the life of a family whose parents hold down three jobs, two of which are self-run businesses. I get daily reminders of how I could be screwing my kids up for life because of this choice to be self-employed two times over.
“Mommy, play with me”
“Mom, you have to go to work AGAIN?”
“Mom, you’re ALWAYS on your computer”
Reminders from other adults in my life that our schedules are insanity and we need to back it off. Reminders from my own body that I’m burning the candle at both ends and I’m not taking care of myself (says the bronchitis that lasted WAY too long). Completely convincing myself that the reason my 4 year old won’t get completely potty trained and my 7 year old rolls her eyes at me in the morning is because I work too much. Angry calls from my eye doctor because I missed a follow up appointment (whoops). Letters from my regular doctor that threatens to drop me because I showed up at our appointment at the wrong time. My car is 4000 miles past needing an oil change. Lord knows when that’ll happen.
I’ve never been an unorganized schedule keeper, ever. I’m efficient….that’s my “thing”. Type A and all that. But, I’ve also always seemed to laugh in the face of time. The laws of time are MINE and they will obey ME and all that (geek reference….sorry). But, it’s simply not true. I have 24 hours each day to cram in as much stuff as possible…..and even with all the help we get things can go terribly awry. I’m not superwoman, as much as I’d like to pretend that I am all hours of the day. I can’t always say Yes…..and I have to start being able to say Yes to the right people (namely, my kids) and learn that it’s okay, sometimes, to say No when something is just not possible to finish….or to even start.
I know there are others out there like me. I know there are perfectionists who look in the mirror each morning and say to themselves “No failures……you’re going to kick this day’s ass….let’s do this”….and when things unravel your sanity unravels along with it.
I’ve found in the last year I haven’t done much that I’ve ENJOYED…..for myself. I’ve been working at a break-neck pace and even when I was in NYC I was so worried about cramming in as much “adventure” as possible that there wasn’t much stopping and breathing. Am I even CAPABLE of stopping and just breathing? Not sure. I am simply the type that has to have 400 things going on at one time to feel whole. It’s a gigantic character flaw.
My point? My point is resolution. My point is focus. My point is learning that no, I do not have to take on 10 sessions a week every week in between running the store and trying to be Mom and Wife. I just don’t. That’s the point of running my own business, correct? I have to make the choices? GET to make the choices?
So in 2015 I’m going to scale it back. Mark my words, folks. I adore shooting seniors and I really want to focus on that. I adore shooting weddings and I really want to focus on that as well. But perhaps in smaller slices.
My kids need me….I know this…I need to be around to catch their everydays because someday those will be gone. Someday will be the day I carry Molly around on my hip for the last time and I don’t want to miss that because I had to rush off to something else. Someday Betty will no longer want me to kiss her goodnight or jump around the living room doing cheerleading routines.
I love work. I thrive on work….I need problems! I need things to figure out! Its my ingrained nature…..but I also need a little of the other stuff too.
I really hope, pray, wish, and yearn for clarity and peace in 2015. For myself and for everyone else in my well-worn shoes.
(On that note, I’m suspending Friday Fractured Thoughts for right now……I’ll be just blogging randomly…..having a set day was too much pressure. End of an era and all that. To everything, a season….turn turn turn. LOL)