Anyone who knows me or has followed me online long enough (all...what...10 of you?) ...knows I'm an open book here.
You've followed me through the loss of my corporate job in early 2008, starting Type A at the same time, the death of the most important person in my world, the birth of the most important person in my world...and then the next....and now the next....., moving back to Beloit, studio hops, and starting the hospice program. Countless business moves, some successful....some suck-tastic. Opening a record store....closing a record store.
In 8 years I've laid it all out. Most of it. Struggles with major grief....with learning to be a mom....with running 2 businesses that supported my family....with struggling with my "place in the world" like so many others.
Social media is a fabulous tool, but it can also contribute to a marginal amount of depression when it seems like everyone else has it all figured out....and you're over here, in the corner, still wondering what the heck you want to be when you grow up. At 35.
Also, when you're a pretty persistent blogger...you feel compelled to "explain yourself" to people a lot. Even if it's just the handful that actually read this stuff.
I am a creature of persistence. Of WORK. I am built from a stock that could easily work circles around the average Joe.
So when I started a new adventure in July 2015.....as director of an assisted living facility....my whole goal was to WORK harder....soak in as much information as possible....and with regards to the things I didn't know...seek answers.
I had run my own business for 7 years....and I knew all too well the issues with the state of the photography industry (in a word....supply was starting to way overtake demand for the service I provide). I felt hungry for change, for a risk, for exploring the great unknown. I also had a good amount of fear. Running your own business is the very definition of pure insanity. The variable income, the unknown amount of work, the slow periods married with flush periods. It's not for the faint of heart. I needed to see if the grass was greener....or if it was just Astroturf.
If I'm being honest with myself....completely....it didn't take me too long to realize my new job was probably not a very good fit for me. For a number of reasons. But, I'm not a quitter. The weak quit. The lazy quit. I wasn't going to let myself fail.
But, as time wore on, my gut was telling me it wasn't right....and my blood pressure started to agree. I had a history of pre-eclampsia and a high risk pregnancy that I wasn't exactly putting at the forefront of my priorities. Until it made itself apparent in the form of a pretty scary blood pressure spike that threw me for a loop, and left me reexamining exactly what I was doing.
I knew the path I was trying to navigate needed to be abandoned. And that was a very hard conclusion to come to. So many people had been excited for me, rooted for me....so many had come out and supported this new world. I had people I had connected with who were going to put trust in me to provide them with a new home...people I had become very fond of.
With each "Hope the new job is going GREAT!" I felt a pang of guilt. What if I was to be honest. What if I said "well...actually......"
For all the good...the exciting....I could no longer overlook the toll this new adventure was taking on my health and the structure of my family life. Something my husband and I had vowed to keep sacred when we sold Tin Dog. I was coming home defeated....exhausted....with nothing left to give really to anyone else.
I realized quickly that the grass on my side of the fence could be plenty green if I just took the time to friggin' water it once in awhile.
So, I resigned.
And I have to tell you, I felt like someone lifted the proverbial weight of the world from my shoulders.
I went to my OB and what had been nearly a hypertensive crisis just 24 hours before righted itself. That was enough convincing for me. As difficult as it would be to walk away....and then attempt to save face in the aftermath....I had to. It was right.
So what now?
I feel okay saying "You know what.....I don't know". There's a bit of power in that. A bit of adventure to come. I know Type A is still here....still hustlin'. I know that in about 11 weeks I'm going to be a mother of three. I know that I'm entering into a new adventure space-wise this summer (details of that coming soon!). I know that Jon and I have plans in the works....a few months or years down the line....and who knows where that'll take us but some days it fills me with so much excitement I just want to chuck it all and do everything RIGHT NOW! I'm wildly impatient like that....and impractical sometimes.
I know it's not always going to be easy, but damn if it doesn't feel RIGHT.
It's okay to quit.
It's okay to say no more.
It's okay to say "I'm not right for this".
These days we struggle with these notions....and we shouldn't. We can never begin greatness if we are off attempting to make something work that just won't out of pure stubbornness or peer pressure.
People leave jobs. They make decisions that change the course of their lives. They end friendships. They end marriages. They have babies and they send their babies off into the world. They move....they stay still....turn, turn turn.
I appreciate EVERYONE who has followed along on my bumpy little journey, and who were so dang supportive when I decided to take a leap and see what happens. I hope you'll all join me in welcoming back full-time hours to Type A : )
And I can say....don't fear taking risks simply because some don't work out. Take risks....jump and see where you land....it injects wonder into life. And if it doesn't work out....stand up, dust yourself off, and begin again. You are human, you are wonderfully fallible but wonderfully capable as well.
Life is cruelly short....and we are given a finite amount of time to do our best.....spend it as happy as you possibly can.
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.” ~Aldous Huxley